


That's Amore

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Yet Another Gratuitously Fluffy Darcyland Soulmate AU [21]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Bruce may have 7 PhDs but he is also an insecure bean with poor decision making skills, Cloak of Levitation (Marvel), Crack, Darcyland (Marvel), F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Hulk saves the day, SHIP DARCY LEWIS WITH ALL THE THINGS, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Wendy the Cloak of Levitation, and just a wee smidge of angst for flavour, and that goes about as well as you would expect, and then eats Balrog's bodyweight in pizza, mOON's in the sKY like a big PIIIIIIIZZA pie that's amoooooooore!, theeeeee, wheeeeen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14495292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Schizophrenic soulmarks, soulmates with sacrificial Boromir tendencies...There isn't enough chocolate in Gondor, Rohan, or all of Bilbo Baggins' pantries to deal with this nonsense.





	That's Amore

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
> 
> [brithewolfpup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brithewolfpup/pseuds/Brithewolfpup) requested 'Pizza and Hulk', and [firedrakegirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/firedrakegirl/pseuds/firedrakegirl) requested Darcy/Hulk/Bruce, 'a polyship that's not actually a polyship.' This seemed like a good place for both of these
> 
> Thanks for the prompts, my little bilgesnipes! Hope I did them justice!

When Darcy was a senior in high school, her soulmark started acting...weird.  Every once in a while, without any rhyme or reason that she could see, it would change from the perfectly respectable—if somewhat  bland— _N_ _o,  can't say that I have_ to an equally respectable and slightly more interesting _Pepperoni._  It would stay like that for an hour or a day.  Once it had been pepperoni for a month, and a couple of times she’d seen it flicker back and forth as if it couldn’t make up its mind.

She’d never heard of a schizophrenic soulmark before.  It just figured that she’d be the first person in the history of ever to have one.

 _So_ not fair.

And yes, Jane’s was in these weird runes that looked straight out of _Lord of the Rings_ (they weren’t; Darcy had tried and failed to translate them).  But that didn’t count. _Her_ soulmate literally fell from the sky, _and_ turned out to not even be crazy.  He could even _fly_ in the bargain.  Some people had all the fun.

She didn’t fault Jane, of course.  It wasn’t as if Jane had demanded the universe send her an Eomer-lookalike soulmate who could _fly._  Darcy knew better than anyone that wasn’t how it worked.  She wasn’t even jealous.

Maybe a wee bit jealous.

A lot bit.

Okay, she was super jealous.  But again, she didn’t blame Jane.  She couldn’t even be mad at her, not when Jane and Thor were so disgustingly, adorkably _perfect_ for each other.  She never failed to get a kick out of watching the oversized Labradoodle reduce her grouchy, mad scientist boss to a giggling puddle of goo with just a smile, or from seeing the way said Labradoodle sported actual glowing heart eyes whenever Jane went off on a Science! rant.

And honestly, considering the screaming crazy her life had become since Thor dropped into their lives, a schizophrenic soulmark was the least of her worries.  Her priorities lately were more focused on staying alive and in one piece. She was wild and extravagant like that.

Soulmates were the last thing on her mind the day she walked into Tony’s lab (AKA the Den of Awesome, because Tony lacked Darcy’s incredible naming skills) and found it occupied, not by a hairy gremlin with little-to-no impulse-control, but a pleasantly scruffy—if slightly twitchy—Dr. Banner.

She knew who he was, of course.  She’d gone to Culver, after all, though he was something of an urban legend by the time she got there.  There’d been a petition her sophomore year to rename them the Incredible Hulks, but it was overruled by the school board.  Something about poor taste.

She'd heard nothing but good things about him from the Avengers.  Tony and Clint agreed that he had a surprisingly dry sense of humour, and Thor cheerfully proclaimed him to be one of his favourite coworkers (the _faces_ Jane and Tony made whenever Thor talked like that made the time spent expanding his Midgardian vocabulary _so_ worth it).

So with a small wave, she said, _‘Hey there. I'm looking for a mad scientist with questionable decision-making skills and a stunted sense of self-preservation.  Seen Tony around anywhere?’_

He blinked slowly at her before shaking his head.   _‘No, can't say I have.’_

Darcy had long ago resigned herself to generic Words on top of a wacko soulmark, and no longer even flinched when she heard a false alarm.  Instead, she shrugged. ‘Too bad. Jane's on the warpath. If you see him, tell him: “Put that thing back where it came from, or so help me!”  He'll understand.’

His lips twitched.  ‘I think I can manage that.’

‘Groovy.’  She stuck out a hand.    ‘I'm Darcy, by the way. Jane Foster's partner in crime.’

Taking her hand gingerly, as if he expected it to shatter if he squeezed too hard, he said, ‘Bruce.’

Pumping his hand firmly—she hadn't saved the world one and a half times by being delicate—she favoured him with a wide grin.  ‘Welcome to the nuthouse, Bruce. Feel free to drop by the Mullet—that's Jane's lab—any time you need spare parts, Pop Tarts, someone to fangirl about Science! with, and conversion that has nothing to do with Science!.  We got it all.’ She headed for the door to resume her Stark hunt, but whirled as the door opened. ‘Almost forgot—every other Thursday is Pizza Night. You're welcome to join!’

He smiled—small and cautious, but still a smile—and nodded.  ‘Sounds like fun.’

She shot him finger guns.  ‘Awesome! See you there. Namarie, dude!’

* * *

 

Bruce quickly became a regular at Pizza Night, and Movie Night, and every other  extra-curricular activity night his introverted heart could tolerate. Which turned out to be quite a bit more than Darcy was expecting.  Not that she was complaining. Far from it, in fact. He was more than welcome to steal a slice of her pizza (she would raid his secret stash of peanut butter pretzels whenever she crashed his lab, so it evened out), or plop himself onto the couch next to her and trade snarky commentary on whatever movie they were watching.

Game nights were a hoot.  For all his carefully cultivated aura of zen, he possessed a delightfully ruthless competitive streak that meshed nicely with Darcy’s own strategic plotting and global domination skills.  Jane flatly refused to let them team up anymore after the third time Team Duce mopped the floor with their hapless opponents in Risk (Middle Earth edition, of course). There was pouting, but even Darcy had to admit that being rivals rather than allies made game nights more interesting.

It wasn’t just pizza and movies and games that drew Bruce out of Bag End ( _'T_ _he Hobbit,_ Darcy?  Really?’ ‘Hey, you like to stay in your comfortable lab with your books, you don’t like unexpected visitors, but you’re secretly snarky and adventurous.   _And_ you’re pretty much the only level head on the team.  You’re basically Bilbo. Accept it. Also, be be grateful I named your lab and not Tony’).  Soon after that day she’d ran into him in Tony’s lab (Tony had escaped Jane’s wrath with his goatee intact, and everyone agreed he got off easy), Bruce had begun dropping by the Mullet, ostensibly to talk Science! with Jane.  

More often than not, Jane wasn’t there, or too deep into hacking the mysteries of the universe to shoot the breeze with her fellow scientist.  That never seemed to bother him, though. He was always perfectly content to perch on Darcy’s desk, eating her snacks—she’d had to start stocking twice as many Pop Tarts and gummy bears—chatting about nothing in particular, and suggesting new ways for Balrog to terrorize Tony and Thor.  Darcy looked forward to those visits, as she looked forward to every opportunity to hang out with Bruce. It wasn't doing her raging crush on him any favours, but she liked to think he enjoyed spending time with her almost as much as she did with him. Sometimes she could even pretend he really had said her Words that day in Tony's lab.  She'd always been a bit of a dreamer.

* * *

Darcy stopped by Bag End to find Mr. Baggins decidedly not at home.  In place of her quietly sarcastic Hobbit was a grumpy, green Beorn, looking like he’d found thirteen Dwarves, a Hobbit, and a Wizard in his front garden.  She didn't know who or what had set him off, but at this point, it probably didn't matter. The Incredible Hulk couldn't be any worse than Balrog with a head cold.

_‘Guess this means we'll need to order extra pizzas, huh?  It's your turn to choose, so what are we having?’_

Hulk’s head had snapped around as soon as she started talking.  His face split into a wide, incredibly _sweet_ grin.  Darcy blinked from the force of it.   _‘Pepperoni,’_ he said.

‘Pepperoni.  Cool. Balrog will love you forever.  I'll—wait a minute, _what_ did you say?’

His grin, impossibly, grew wider.  ‘Pepperoni,’ he repeated.

She nodded.  ‘That’s what I thought you said.  So I would be correct in assuming...’

‘Darcy Hulk’s soulmate!’  He bounded across the lab to sweep her up in an enthusiastic—yet surprisingly gentle—hug.

‘This explains a lot,’ she said into his StarkStretch button-up.  ‘Waaaait a minute.’ She pried her face from his chest, squirming in his arms until he put her down.  ‘He knew!’ As soon as her feet hit the highly-polished concrete, she began to pace, arms flailing wildly.  ‘That nasty Bagginses, he _knew._  This whole time, he knew exactly who I was and he didn't say anything!  How _dare_ he!’ From the Mullet, Balrog sent her an inquiring pulse.   _No eating pal, but there might be some maiming in your future.  I'll keep you posted._

She sensed rather than heard Balrog's snort as he returned his attention to whatever he was watching with Wendy.  At least _somebody's_ love life was going smoothly.

‘The idiot probably thinks he's being noble and protecting me or something,’ Darcy muttered as she pulled back from their link.  ‘Who does he think he is, Boromir?’

‘Darcy mad we're soulmates?’

She whirled around to see Hulk watching her with sad, adorably guilty eyes.  ‘Oh sweetie, no! I'm mad at you, you've done nothing wrong! It's the other guy I'm seriously ticked at.  We'll be having Words once you change back, and you and I might be seeing each other again sooner rather than later.  It depends on how hard I hit him.’ She grabbed his hand in both of hers, and he obligingly let her tug him to the door.  ‘Now c'mon, my beautiful green soulmate. Pizza Night awaits!’

* * *

 

The remnants of Pizza Night littered the floor of the Mullet in greasy cardboard carnage.  The only downside of Hulk attending instead of Bruce was the sad lack of leftovers—he and Balrog had continued to scarf slices long after everyone else had finished, and had then promptly passed out in food comas.  Balrog was snuggled up with Wendy, and Hulk had wrapped himself around Darcy like she was an oversized teddy bear. Being a teddy bear was surprisingly comfortable, and she was content to cuddle with him on the ratty couch she and Jane had dragged with them from Puente Antiguo, reading a fic Balrog had recommended while Hulk’s snores rumbled in her ear.

The snores changed pitch and the arms around her shrunk from Beorn back to Baggins, and she knew her Hobbit would be waking up soon.  Sure enough, a minute later the snores stuttered to a halt. The arms tightened around her before stiffening abruptly.

‘Darcy?’   _Aaand he’s awake._  His voice was gravelly from sleep, and a flock of ticklish butterflies burst to life in her stomach.  ‘Uh, how… I mean, what…?’

He was cute when he was flustered.  Sternly telling the butterflies to behave, she scrolled to the next section of the fic.  ‘’Morning, soulmate.’

There was a strangled _eep_ behind her, and Bruce let her go and sat up.  Darcy sighed and followed suit.

He rubbed the back of his neck.  ‘How… how did you find out?’

She locked her phone and stuck it in her pocket with a sniff.  ‘Hulk’s a lot more honest than you are.’

‘Hulk should keep his mouth shut,’ he muttered.

Her glare could give Palpatine _and_ Mew-Mew a run for their money.  ‘Hulk should do no such thing! It’s bad enough you lied to me, I don’t need both of you lying!’

‘Technically, I didn’t lie.  I just didn’t tell you what I knew.’

She grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and started whacking him.  ‘LIES. OF. OMISSION. ARE. STILL. LIES. GENIUS.’

Her yelling woke Balrog, and he and Wendy watched her attack her soulmate with a cushion with the enthusiasm most people give to watching sports.

Bruce finally grabbed the pillow and stuffed it behind him.  ‘I was trying to protect you,’ he said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged him off, crossing her arms.  ‘I don’t need protection from anything, least of all you!  We're soulmates!’

‘Yeah, but that was before I used myself as a lab rat.  You don't deserve to to be tied to a monster.’

She jabbed a finger under his nose.  ‘First of all, that “monster” is adorable.  Second of all, you're not listening to me! My soulmark changes when you do. You're my soulmate.   _All_ of you!’

He caught her hand, holding it in both of his.  ‘But I can’t give you a normal life,’ he said weakly.

‘Have you _seen_ my life?  I don't _want_ normal.’  She gently tugged her hand free and reached up to cradle his face.  ‘I only ever wanted you, you idiot!’

He sighed, leaning down to rest his forehead against hers.  ‘Mutual, I’m sure.’

 _‘Finally._  I—  Wait, was that a _White Christmas_ quote?  Are you _trying_ to kill me?’

He laughed, his breath ghosting against her lips in a vaguely pepperoni-scented puff.  ‘I learned from the best.’

‘You got that right, my padawan.’  Then she did what she’d wanted to do since the first time they’d killed at Risk—tilted her head and kissed him, pepperoni breath and all.

It was incredible.

**Author's Note:**

> Darcy was beyond delighted to discover Bruce has hairy feet (Tony might have perfected StarkStrech cloth, but he hasn't quite figured out how to shoe). She takes it as proof that he is, in fact, a Hobbit. She still calls him a Nasty Bagginses when she's ticked at him (usually if he's winning whatever game they're playing), and he retaliates by calling her My Little Gollum. Tony thinks they're disgusting.
> 
> Hulk and Balrog have friendly wrestling matches, and Hulk enjoys sparring with someone he doesn't have to be careful with.
> 
> In other news, I saw Infinity War, and may I just say, from the bottom of my heart: Ow.
> 
> Have a prompt? Feel free to leave it in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you.
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
